Some quotes from my TCW S4 fanfic

I said in my last post that I'm writing one. And I like that fic very, very much. And now I'd like some feedback on it. I'm on sixth page, and first chapter isn't completed. Yeah, I like writing long stuff. Anyway, here are some of the best part so far:

“Is this the place?” Padmé asked, scaring Ahsoka slightly with her appearance.

“This is where Rex was shooting droids. Skyguy got hit probably... there!” Ahsoka pointed to the north-east after recognizing some of the trees that appeared also on Rex's recording.

“How far?” Padmé asked anxiously.

“Not far, around 50-100 meters. This vid wouldn't be as sharp if zoomed more.” Ahsoka said and looked ahead them. They were facing north-east, and the path droids had used was clearly visible in the long grass that few small trees spotted. The grass was now burned and trampled, still smoking in some places. Ahsoka noticed a medium-sized hole, created by an exploding grenade, in the ground right where her master could have been standing.

“This way!” Ahsoka shouted to the senator, who ran after her. Their feet blew ash and dirt off the ground, and Ahsoka found her eyes getting wet. I am not crying. I will NOT cry, she thought and ducked under a branch to reach the hole.

Her foot got stuck to the roots of the tree which branches she just ducked, and she stumbled down to the bomb crater. She quickly got up and spit out the dirt she had breathed in tumbling down the slope.

This one is from the first page. Honestly. Am I doing well, bad, or very bad? (joke would work in Finnish, where "well" and "very" can be the same word "hyvin")

Shouting. Shooting. Massive clanking of droids.”Sir, are you sure this is going to work?” Rex asked from Anakin who wasn't visible on screen.

“Have my plans ever failed, Rex?” Anakin said. The recording showed Anakin running towards the droids. He blocked and ducked most of the blaster bolts aimed at him, but just where Ahsoka was now standing, something hit him. He almost collapsed, but kept blocking the bolts with his lightsaber in one hand, the other clutching his stomach.

“SIR!!!” Rex shouted, even though Anakin had no chance of hearing it from that distance. Something flew in the air, landing behind and right from Anakin. It was a grenade. Anakin tried to jump away from it to escape the blast, but he was wounded and too slow: the exploding grenade caught him mid-air and sent him flying to the left, to the grass, away from the droids.

“Okay! Who blaster-kriffer threw that grenade?!” Rex shouted to his fellow troops as he turned briefly around. On another side of the path, a clone hesitantly lifted his gun to show he was to blame, but before Rex managed to shout anything to his brother, the clone was shot straight through his head.

“Oh for the love of Kamino...” Rex muttered under his breath and turned back to shoot the droids.

This one is right in the beginning of the second page. It's a holocam recording that Rex gave to Ahsoka. I think you'll now figure out what my fanfic is aiming for, and where it started from...

The grass twisted under their legs, moving away when Ahsoka pushed it. Her fingers were now full of scratches from the grass, and probably so was her back. She didn't care; she saw an opening in the grass and ran for it, expecting to see her master laying there motionless, maybe even dead.

She was shocked of what she saw. Nothing, absolutely nothing. “But... but this is the place where he must have landed!” Ahsoka whimpered and fell to her knees. Tears fell from her eyes, dropping from her cheeks to her thick shirt.

“Ahsoka. I'm sure we can still find him. Hope must never be fully lost.” Padmé said. Ahsoka heard even her voice was trembling, probably she was crying, too. She lifted her gaze from the grass under her legs, and she noticed something shiny in middle of the opening. She got up and walked to it.

“NO!” Ahsoka yelled as loud as she could as she recognized the object. It was a lightsaber. The one that belonged to her master, to be exact. She lifted it from ground, not thinking of any possible traps around. Nothing happened, for her luck. Ahsoka collapsed to her knees once again, now clutching Anakin's lightsaber in her hands. From her tears, she didn't notice a small datacard beside the lightsaber.

“Ahsoka.” Padmé said gently. Ahsoka wanted to refuse to listen; all had been lost. Her master was no longer here. The Chosen One was no longer here. Ahsoka let the tears pour from her eyes and she sobbed very loudly.

“Ahsoka. Listen to me.” Padmé said and knelt in front of Ahsoka. Her vision was so blurry from crying that she didn't see Padmé lift the datacard from ground. “Calm down.” Padmé said. Ahsoka shook her head and clutched her master's lightsaber ever more tightly. “Ahsoka, everything's going to turn alright. I know it.” Padmé said, hugging Ahsoka. Ahsoka was startled at this sudden expression of emotion, but then relaxed and let Padmé soothe her. Ahsoka couldn't stop herself from crying or sobbing, but eventually calmed down. Padmé wiped her eyes after she had stopped crying. She still was shaking, and now coughed a couple of times to clear her throat. She took a deep breath and looked up.

No, this fanfic doesn't have AhsokaxPadmé. I know it may look like that. And that datacard is important. I just love to write like this, don't I? :'D I don't know... I think this is one of the better-written parts, with narrator that know all. Usually my narrations are POV things: not 1st person, but not all-knowing. It only knows what going around in one persons head. That would be like... 3rd person 1st person narration? Anyway, more from the fic:

“But... But Anakin was s-s-so injured!” Padmé exclaimed and started crying herself. Ahsoka wanted to hug her, to thank from bringing her back to her senses, but knew it wouldn't do anything.

“You love him... don't you?” Ahsoka asked. She wanted to slap herself after she realized what she had said.

Padmé looked at her in deep shock, but then nodded carefully. “M-more than you r-realize.” she sobbed. Ahsoka suddenly got the whole picture. Her master and senator Amidala loved each other. More than Jedi Code allowed. They loved each other enough to risk others' lives to save each other.

“I think I understand. I love him too, Padmé.” Ahsoka said, trying to keep herself from crying again.

Padmé shot up. “You have no idea how love feels like! You're a Jedi!” she shouted, scaring Ahsoka for a moment. She retaliated quickly, though and got up herself.

“We are allowed to love just like other people. I love my master, more than I should or is allowed, and that's the only reason we still care for each other!” Ahsoka shouted back.

Padmé took a step back, then sat down to the ground. He eyes were red from all crying and shouting, and Ahsoka found herself panting again.

Who knows, maybe Padmé isn't so OoC here. I think this is how she'll be before starting Roaring Rampage of Revenge on Dooku for capturing Anakin. And THAT's canon. The datacard mentioned in the third quote is relevant, as it shows Anakin injured from that grenade blast mentioned in the second quote. And you can guess who else >D
Anyway, is this a good way to make Ashoka and Padme reveal their feelings for Anakin to each other? they're both girls, and I personally know that we all shout things we might have otherwise left unsaid when we're angry. But I think I took it to a bit extreme here...

“Actually... I think my master might already think I know. He talks of you differently when I'm the only one nearby as opposed to times when someone like Obi-Wan or a higher Jedi Master is present.”

“I think he just loves you back.” Padmé said. “Did you know that during the time you were lost, after your mission to Felucia, Anakin was completely broken. I caught him crying at least two times, and when he slept with me, he had nightmares about you and often woke up crying.” Padmé looked away sheepishly. “I don't think I should have told you that. I don't think even he knows I know.”

“I... I suspected something like that.” Ahsoka said and sighed. “He looks like that. He does nag to me sometimes, when I don't obey, but otherwise he acts like he'd protect me from anything.”

“Isn't that what Jedis are supposed to do? Protect others even if it meant risking one's own life?” Padmé asked.

I think you can all guess what just happened. And here I also probably made Anakin a bit OoC with that musing for Ahsoka. Those episodes are currently airing here, so I remember well what happened in the end of 3.21. 3.22 airs tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it, because I haven't watched it yet from internet.

She collapsed to her bed and started crying again. She hugged her pillow for comfort but she felt completely empty inside. She sobbed loudly and curled up in the corner, leaning to wall. She was shaking under her sobbing, and soon she drifted into restless sleep.

She was floating in the air, above her unconscious master. He looked alright, not counting in the bruises and slashes visible in his skin. He was laying on a cool floor of a cell, probably on board a Separatist spaceship.

His eyes slowly opened and Ahsoka saw one of them slightly twitching. He tried to get up, but collapsed shaking. He couched feebly, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. He turned to his side, and Ahsoka saw huge burns in his back. She gasped in shock: this was far worse than she had imagined. She lowered to the ground and tried to hug her master, but couldn't, as she was pulled back by something. Anakin seemed to have noticed her, and he turned his head to her direction. “Ahsoka... Please...” he seemed to say, even though Ahsoka couldn't make out the words. Suddenly, his master's body started to shiver and convulse, his eyes rolled backwards and he couched up more blood. When the convulsing eased, he started scratching his own arms, causing more bleeding. He drifted back to unconsciousness, but Ahsoka heard him say, “Please... K-kill me...”

“Master!” Ahsoka screamed as she woke up. She was panting heavily and she had to calm herself down before she got up. She hugged her pillow again and wiped her tears to it. For a long time, she just sat there, on the edge of her bed, clinging to her pillow for comfort she would never get from it.

Ahsoka was mentioned jsut in the last sentece before this quote, and I won't change these when I put them here.
And yeah... Very angsty Ahsoka, and very injured Anakin. Can anyone figure out yet what has happened? + Ahsoka technically saw to the future, Anakin isn't really in that bad shape at that moment. *got some ideas from Duel at Shattered Rock* <- I recommend that book, btw. It has clones IN LOVE!!!! I was like 'd'awwg' *heart melts* when I head it. + it has injured jedi, a Chiss, Mandalorians, and just general awesomeness.

And... I think that was about it. Rest of what I've written so far isn't really worth quoting, and besides, I like these parts way more than the rest. Please, tell me what you think of them!